Newsflash

You may want to sit down for this one: For Saint Paddy’s day my master plan is to go to the gym and wear a green shirt. Just last month the highlight of crappy Valentine’s day was wearing stupid red shirt to the gym. Seriously man…green shirt/red shirt is a very big deal…cause I always wear blue or black bc it hides my walrus belly blubber better.   

      Speaking of the gym, yesterday morning hottie Purple Shirt girl (I forgot her name) and I had a good 20 min treadmill conversation going on and everything was smooth n’ dandy until a fabric softener sheet fell out of my shorts. She giggled as I tried to play it off like nothing happened while old lady on elliptical behind me made some sarcastic “hey laundryman do my laundry” comment.

No one likes this old lady…she acts like she’s such a cougar but she ain’t close to cougar-worthy. Next time she opens her big sarcastic mouth “somebody is going to get a hurt real bad!” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xzKHQX59Wso . Better yet, wouldn't it would be hamburger helper awesome if she just Sharpied up some whiskers on her face, stapled a tail to her butt, and hissed and swiped at the gym attendents just like a real Rocky Mountain Cougar?  I’d say “Wad up Coooouuggs?!!  Mornin’ Cooouuggs!!”. Throw her some raw meat...watch her pounce. My very own real-life female “Hobbes”. 

Eureka!

Was walking out of Petsmart yesterday and saw an attractive woman crying in the parking lot. Being a good civilian sheepdog, I asked : “Is everything okay, do you want me to call 911?” She said no but she just got her driver’s license suspended at the DMV right next door. On my way home it hit me, WHAT A GREAT PLACE TO PICK UP WOMEN! Any place there is testing…outside the DMV, LSATS, MCATS, etc… normal distribution predicts there are bound to be emotionally unstable and vulnerable women wherever a test has taken place. So to all you Dungeons N’ Dragons/World of Warcraft nerds who’ve never kissed a girl before, this is possibly your best chance.

In other news, today marks the 100th day of my Jardini Arowana project..diet of live crickets, frozen bloodworms and shrimp. In less than a year he'll be big enough to start eating small mice. My secret to his health is keeping the water clean and emulating amazonian brackish water with peat moss and blackwater extract. 

His name is "Paul".

Congratulations to myself!  My fatass lost my first 10lbs in a month at the gym. Thats almost 2 belt notches!  Not that I even need a belt because my walrus meat beer belly holds up the damn pants by itself. To celebrate this achievement of epic proportions I had Dunkin Donuts, White Castle, a row of Thin Mints, a row of Dosie Does, Long John Silvers Family Meal, and water, -water to cut down on calories you know haha.  And Girl Scout cookies don't count bc its for a good cause ya know.  Speaking of the gym, today I bent down to tie my shoes outside the locker room and fml riiiiiiiiiiiip, I thought my shorts ripped in two, but it was my lucky sunny side up fried egg patterned boxers. // In other news I just set up my 4th aquarium. Yes, my 4th aquarium, I know all the hotties are salivating over that one. Well hotties stay tuned for my update from the Chicago Coin show next month.

Just for Danny and Eliza

It’s been 48 hrs and I’m still bummed about the USA/Canada gold medal hockey game. Yo Canada it wasn’t “the greatest game ever”. Canada entered the Olympics seeded 1^st and the US 6^th. Like the varsity beating the sophomores. Doesn’t hold a jock strap to 1980 Miracle on Ice. I rank Parise’s goal to force overtime one of the best sport highlights I’ve witnessed… because unlike Jordan’s last shot or Hester running back the Superbowl opening kickoff, it’s the damn Olympics. In principal, how can the World Series, NBA Championship be more significant than the Olympic Games? Anyways, the underdog Americans fought well, and Ryan Millar was a monster, and that is something to be proud of. But what’s up with NBC’s 5 hr delay? And whats up with that stupid McDonald's Olympic R&B commercial with 2 lovers swooning each other with nuggets and sweet chili sauce? And what’s up with Russia bitching n’ complaining the whole damn Olympics? Hey Putin quit complaining. Your judges admitted cheating in Torino. You haven’t hoarded medals in any Olympics since they started testing for blood doping in the late 80s. And what’s with that 7 minute national anthem? Why not make it the “Tetris Theme”?  Wouldn’t that be a hoot, if the Russian anthem was changed to the Tetris song? The entire stadium would go bananas.

Well its official! Only the uglies hit on me at the gym. I’m polite but in my mind I’m quietly saying “How dare you!  How dare you think you have even a smigeon of a chance with God’s Gift 2 Women, the Playa from the Himalaya!” It really pissed me off. And why is it that as women get older, they think they look all sexy in those tight leopard-cheetah outfits? And how come seniors just fart with abandon on the treadmill and hang around for hrs talking butt naked in the locker room? And whats up with jocks and the primal grunting and the nasty hairy armpits? The good news is the hottest woman in the gym is overly nice to me and I know why… because she is the alpha female that all the meatheads hang around and flirt with, like moths to a bugwacker, and I don’t give her any attention…which is exactly what she craves, her modus operandi is going to the gym and being the attention breadwinner. I'm the missing piece to her gym dominance! Or she thinks I'm gay. I do give her credit for being part hawk. Anything entering the room she immediately checks out top to bottom. A+ on peripheral vision. She would of made a great WWII heavy bomber tail-gunner vs the Luftwaffe. She’d have at least 15 kills.  Or Vanity Smurf.  She would be the perfect female version of Vanity Smurf. With all the drama from her, its a wonder shes not Korean.

Deer Hunter's "Breakfast of Champions"

Cinnamon rolls with bacon. Smaller the roll the better. Secret is to add crunchy bacon last, 3 criss cross on top of frosting (not rolled inside), otherwise it loses the crisp. Use a good coverscent to ward off bacon aroma and you'll avoid spooking the deer.